I've felt a little... alone lately. I'm not sure alone is the right word, but it's what I'm going with for now. I seem to be stuck.
I can't figure out a good way to explain this tactfully, so I'm just going to jump in.
I have a great friends. I've always believed that you build your family, and my friends have always been mine. I have my high school friends, I've got my early high school friends friends, I've got my basketball friends, I've got my graduation friends, and I've got the ones that don't fit into those groups.
I love all my friends - but something just hasn't been clicking lately. I still feel lost.
And my high school friends... well I just don't think we're alike anymore. Yes they're always going to be dear and near to my heart, but we've, or at least I have, grown apart. I don't find the same things funny as them anymore, and that's really saying something. But I will always value them and love them, for they're the only ones that could really know my background. They know the struggles I had between balancing my family values and sports.
But I still feel like nobody knows the "new" me. I've definitely changed these past 2 years, and when I'm talking about what I'm doing next year, I not only get a lack of support, but also a lack of understanding. Or if I'm going through something, I'll get sarcasm, an insult, or some witty retort - but not support. This was really made apparent to me when I realized that the only support I was getting about my decision was from my advisor.
Even if my decisions aren't liked or agreed with, I expect support. I expect an understanding of why I'm doing what I'm doing because I expect that I'm understood as a person, and therefore the reasons are apparent.
Perhaps its my fault - perhaps I've become a recluse these past 2 years, not talking to people everyday, and therefore losing my bonds with my friends.
Maybe it's good that graduation is upon us .
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
The Power of Routine
No one ever wants to get into a rut, but for me, for many things, I need to do them the same way over and over again everyday for them to "work."
Take writing for example.
When I first started writing, when it was a hobby, and something I didn't really believe I could do, I only wrote sporadically. I only wrote when I was inspired. Writing was mostly fun, but I didn't revise most of what I wrote, and none of it was ever really good, though some of it was promising.
When I finally was hit with a burning desire to really write, to try to write something worth having written, I decided to see what all the fuss was about writing every day, the BIC (butt-in-chair) method. It's much harder, in a way. There are many days I don't feel "inspired" and I sit at much computer feeling as though it takes a monumental effort to type each word. But lately I've noticed that these days happen more often if I'm not writing every day. Even if I write only one paragraph, it's still easier to sit down the next day to write another paragraph than if I hadn't. It's a habit.
I know I'm not the first person to make this observation, and I didn't even make it for myself. I've certainly heard others talk about it before I felt it. But some things are like that. You can hear them over and over, but then one day you live them, and it means something completely different.
Take writing for example.
When I first started writing, when it was a hobby, and something I didn't really believe I could do, I only wrote sporadically. I only wrote when I was inspired. Writing was mostly fun, but I didn't revise most of what I wrote, and none of it was ever really good, though some of it was promising.
When I finally was hit with a burning desire to really write, to try to write something worth having written, I decided to see what all the fuss was about writing every day, the BIC (butt-in-chair) method. It's much harder, in a way. There are many days I don't feel "inspired" and I sit at much computer feeling as though it takes a monumental effort to type each word. But lately I've noticed that these days happen more often if I'm not writing every day. Even if I write only one paragraph, it's still easier to sit down the next day to write another paragraph than if I hadn't. It's a habit.
I know I'm not the first person to make this observation, and I didn't even make it for myself. I've certainly heard others talk about it before I felt it. But some things are like that. You can hear them over and over, but then one day you live them, and it means something completely different.
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